Posted by: Captain Howdy | March 9, 2009

My Baby…Taken From Death to Life! (a very good testimony to the biblical view of death and suffering)

My Baby…Taken From Death to Life!

In 1983  my husband and I, both in our late thirties,  learned we were going to have another child.  We already had a daughter-age eleven, and a son-age ten.  Needless to say, we were much surprised….but pleased.  All went well during the pregnancy.  A nursery was put in place.  Our church gave us a beautiful gift party.  We looked forward to the new child.  But he was born with a heart defect and survived only twenty-two minutes.  As it was happening, I wasn’t sure that I would survive.  The pain and heartache associated with watching the birth and immediate death of our precious little boy…..words can’t describe! 

Even though my guardian angel and my baby’s guardian angel, both wearing sackcloth, were standing against the wall in the delivery room,  I was devastated.  As it was happening, my heart ranted and raved to God saying, “Why are you doing this? I told the doctors I wouldn’t have the amniocentesis.  I would trust God like I did with the other two. What about mother(my mom was terminally ill with 24/7 nursing care at home)?   How will she stand seeing my hurt over this child?   Why did you give him to us if you were just going to snatch him back to yourself?”  Finally, after listening to my rantings, God spoke to me in a caring, loving, calm, and compassionate tone. He simply spoke His thoughts into my mind and said, “Carolyn, you said you trust me… you or don’t you?”    It was really just that simple! Do I trust Him or don’t I trust Him.  I lay there for what seemed like minutes of agony.  Then I knew in my heart what was True.  Benjamin was never ours.  He was God’s.  So were our other two children….they were God’s.  With an ashamed and still hurting heart I said, “God, he is yours.  You created him…not I.  Of the three you gave me….you are only keeping one.  That’s so like  You.  Yes, God, I trust you to raise your child.”  At that moment I released little Benjamin’s soul back to God.  But in the physical realm, as I lay on that table, in that place, I felt as though a bulldozer was tracking across my body…head to toe.  It was hard to breathe. I couldn’t feel the presence of Life.  The very air in the room seem to permeate with death…desolation…hopelessness. How could I come this close to death and survive?   I watched the doctor and nurses work until my little one stopped struggling for breath. I saw his little mouth close and watched him get still.  They brought him to my side for me to see.  His little eyes were closed.  I pulled a little hand out from the blanket where they had cuddled him.  I held the little hand and said, “Bless his little heart.”  I didn’t know until the autopsy that his ‘heart’ was indeed the problem.

Fifteen years earlier, in a vision from God, he had showed me the birth and death of  this child…years before he was conceived….but I could not understand until it happened.  In the vision I saw my newborn, still wet from birth…..facing towards me.   I would see him…but he would never see me.   Because as I was seeing him for the first time…face to face…his eyes were filled with the most beautiful city. A place of pure brightness, of bright clear blue sky, of glistening structures made from natural pearl…marble…colorful stones.    It happened just as I had seen in the vision!  There, laying on the delivery table, holding the hand of my dead baby……I failed to notice that the angels had left.  Mine was gone…he wasn’t needed any more.  And Benjamin’s was gone….he had carried my little one to the beautiful place.  They went in a moment….in the twinkling of the eye.   I was left with only his little broken earthy shell.

For two weeks, I wallowed in the most devastating pain ever experienced in the life.  I had tremendous support from those very close to me ….and from those more distant.  I knew Benjamin’s soul was alive with God.  But I couldn’t understand why God had created him.  Why He had taken him out of my world.  Why God was allowing me to encounter death at such close range.  As I began to heal, I would sit beside the little grave and cry out to God, “Why did you let  him   die?”                                                    

 He was born on August fifth.   A cornfield surrounded the small rural cemetery where we had placed him.  The corn was dried and ready for gathering.  But to me…the corn was just ‘dead.’   Kneeling at the little grave, I watched trails of tiny ants march about in the warm sun…..preparing for coming winter.  I felt so hurt that they were in the world and my baby was not.   A single bird would perch on nearby headstones and sing.  Why did they get to sing here  and my baby was taken out?

God listened patiently for weeks and weeks as I poured out my grief to him. Then on a late fall day, as the sun shown brilliantly, after the surrounding cornfields were gleaned, and the mountain breezes began to cool……God spoke to me again with His kind voice of compassion.  He simply said, again speaking His thoughts into my mind, “Carolyn, I didn’t let him die.  I LET HIM LIVE!”   Oh, what joy to hear the voice of God!  The voice itself brought healing to my broken heart.  I believed Him!  I knew it was true!  God had bestowed incredible mercy on Benjamin…and on me…his mother!  God had given me understanding that THE WORLD…HERE…IS DEATH…..the death promised Eve in Eden.  God had given Benjamin the gift of life…briefly here…eternally with Him.  The experience filled my spirit man with gratifulness for the gift of Life.  It filled my being with the ‘knowing’, by experience and encounter, that we truly move  ‘from death to life.’

From that day forward, I visited the graveside to often read these words on the little granite headstone:

Mt 19:14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven

Also, from that day forward, I thanked God for the song of a single bird perched on a headstone, for the trail of ants doing what they were created to do, for the life and death of seasons, and most of all…for the promise of eternal life for all who believe.                                                                                    

2sa 22:36 Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy gentleness hath made me great.


THE WORD on the Word of Faith TV 


LIVE Thursdays at 10pm central


I have to add one scipture to this dear ladies article. Psa 116:15 Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.



%d bloggers like this: